Grasping

Grasping? Oh my God, am I ever grasping. Reaching out desperately for grip on something in this whirlwind life of mine, where everything seems to be whipping around frantically. Time moves fast, and that’s hard for a girl who is trying to slow down and take things in, to create meaning in her everydays. There have been nights recently when I got in bed and wondered what the hell I had done that day. I was able to piece together a few good things in my journal, but mostly, the moments had flown away.

How in the world did I get here? You know, to this life I’ve always dreamed of. I mean truly, it is almost exactly what I’ve always hoped for. And it has completely overwhelmed me. I thought for sure I was ready for all of it, and much of the time I do pretty well. But some days, some days the reality of it all just overcomes me and I am lost, stretching myself so thin to make even one thing count.

Please be certain, I am not complaining. I am falling down and picking myself back up. I am hitting a wall and frantically, and determinedly, climbing over it. I am rejoicing in every “another try” I get. I am taking deep breaths and saying prayers and embracing each day as best I can. Because each good day, each cherished moment with family or friends, each new experience and memory, all of it is worth a few moments of struggle before I finally get a grip, catch on to the one thought or quote or encouraging conversation in my life that pulls me back onto steady ground.

And then I jump right back into the wind again.